Mental Health, My Journe

Here we are, day 4 of Kerry's trek and my time of solitude,and retreat,and today, reflection.

I have done several post on my blog and was thinking along those lines, journalling in my mind.

Thinking of where I've been lately in my mind and my mental health. It hasn't been the best recently,but the more recent times of rest and solitude have been a salve and a sweet ointment that has brought me back. It may have been the influenza I caught on the cruise that sparked it.

Whatever!

Here I am and thinking about my blog, I was considering a post about about it.

My thoughts went as such,

This is me! topsy turvy me! Yes my life is, as I know it is for most of us, full of ups and downs, but the ups and downs I'd like to address today are special to me and others who live with mental illness.

I don't like saying illness and I always try to avoid the word suffer. They are not positive terms, so I prefer to say " I live with a depressive mood dissorder" similar to bipolar but without the extreme manic highs, though I have enjoyed some pretty high rides.

I have lived with this for over 30yrs, since a major breakdown in my late 30s.

Today, I sit here in a blissful setting, the swing seat on the veranda of our little cottage, looking out on our large garden of trees and flowers. We are on the edge of a small country town we call the village, and I am happy, here and now.I feel happy and blessed again after weeks of turbulent feelings, mainly downers. I had been so well for so long, so what happened. Well It could have been the influenza I caught on the cruise - always an obstacle, and prone to upsetting the fragile chemical balance. Yes, I had shots but this one got through. Then every stress that followed seemed to compound and confound the symptoms till I was not fully functioning most of the time. I could rally for short periods and there were little uppers and short revivals, but they were only momentary. It would seem I was out of the darkness and free again, only to sink down again. But now at last I feel healed once more.

In remission, so to speak.

There was a break out at Orua bay in the bus, a break up at our Daughters, cat sitting, and now these days of solitude at home. Solitude soothes me, I can think clearly.

My faithe also sustains me and in solitude I can connect more deeply with my Heavenly Father. I always know He is there, but when I'm groping in the dark it's hard to touch base sometimes.

So this journey has been long and eventful over the years.

Thankfully I have never needed hospital care though I may at times have almost pleaded for it."take me away somewhere safe - safe from the fears of myself"

There was a period of self harming that very few knew about, but those who did sed me through to a better place. "Thank You"!

I have been on medication most of these years in varying strengths - still am - but thats ok. I am thankful to God and science for these drugs that give me a quality of life as "normal" as most folks.

I have worked, and indeed, was able to keep working through most of the roughest times.

Thats what it's like!

One can be "normal" or "ok" for hours at a time on the outside and to the outside world, while ones insides are in turmoil. One of the things that make it so hard for those around us to understand, and for us to understand sometimes too.

I have had years of counselling, group therapy, one-on-one therapy. Each having a place in my journey - each one, some for weeks, some years, took me a step further - peeled another layer off the onion, so-to-speak. Shedding the residue of traumas as a child, and as an adult, bringing an understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. forgiving others, myself, and God. 

I can see more clearly now. Wisdom and Knowledge are now friends of mine and I rest on them daily - well mostly. Sometimes on a high they go out the window, and if I have sunk below my inner vision, well, they are just not visible.

There are many things in my life that are a great help in keeping me well. being part of a creative world , friends, my faith, caring about and for myself as well as others,and blogland. I have many blogs where there is some of what I have experienced and I hope that tis post may help someone somewhere on their journey. 

Yes, I live with a chronic mental health condition, but I DO LIVE! I have a full and enjoyable life. I love and am loved. I laugh and I cry. I travel and enjoy other places and peoples, I have family and friends. I craft, dabbling in many things with successes and ever to remain works in progress. I love my life, all of it. Its makes me what and who I am, and I AM OK! and so are you.

many blessings to you all. love Trills.xx

ps. if anyone wants to contact me on email its. trillianlocke@gmail.com 

I'll be back on to the doilies tomorrow, I promise, the pics are all lined up.xx

A Sacred Day

Yesterday did not go as planned.

I was up early and busy getting ready for the 2hr or so drive to Rotorua to see Kerry for his birthday, when He rang to say the weather was not good, shelter was minimal, the roads would be dangerous. So we erred on the side of sensibility and decided I'd stay home and we would celebrate when he gets home. We do have a party planned in a couple of weeks too.

Then the rain came down here. Oh glorious rain. I could hear nature rejoicing. 

SO! What to do with this given day to myself. I could go to church, it being Sunday, and that is a habit of mine, but one that has been interrupted a lot lately. I do love the worship and the church family, but this day I felt called to something more intimate.

I felt called to my cosy corner in my studio

To a sacred intimate time with God.

My communion was tea and a gingernut, and why not, it fitted the bill, and reminded me of a few years ago when we had the shop, here in my now studio, and each morning after breakie and getting ready, I would have coffee with God. Sitting in the lounge. Times change and patterns of life change.

This day there was reading, prayer, discussion, listening, being in His Presence.

Last Sunday was special too. 

I was cat sitting at Jin's place, in amongst the mess I had created with my crafty stuff. I spent my sacred day in my nightwear, sitting on the sofa next to my blue suitcase. Times when I have been on spiritual retreats I always take some stitching with me. It's part of my meditating process, as it was last Sunday. Along with coffee and communion with God, I stitched gentle stuff like hexagons in soft colours, the rythum part of the prayer.

I had also spent time writing. Another retreat essential, and had some profound(for me) thoughts on S words. That's what I bought the scrap book for.

I wanted to enlarge on these thoughts.

So this day I got out the scrap book and doodled with the theme. It's a bit pale, or I'd rather say soft.

Anyway, it's a start, and maybe I'll try a fabric and embroidery one to hang up, to inspire me.

I also decided that a great meditative activity for this day would be ironing doilies. Oh joy! And I do! Find this task very meditative.

I handle them with reverence and awe, laying them out carefully to press, all the while pondering on the maker, the fineness of the work, the stories behind them. Like this very fine one. The thread so fine, the pattern intricate. Surely not commercially made, but you never know. I think about those ladies a lot and plan on a special post about them.

As I iron I have playing in the background the beautiful, inspiring chants of Taize music.

Taize is an ecumenical worship and retreat centre in France, and I came across this form of worship some years ago. Eventually organising and running these services in my then church with a friend. She played organ, myself guitar and lead singer, and occasionally the gift of a harpist. They were special. Many places still run them and Taize still flourishes. 

This day was progressing most beautifully. The weather improved, it was time for reading out on the swing seat with a giant cup of green tea after lunch. 

NOBODY KNOWS I'M HERE!! And it's a delicious feeling. A secret day that I have chosen to make sacred. 

We are very private here too. Blessed with a large property, only if someone came down the drive would they know that I'm home.

I know some folks can't cope with solitude, but It is a salve for my soul and why I am drawn to retreats. I do love company also and thoroughly enjoy group activities and gatherings.

But for this day, my given secret day, I am sublimely happy with my choice of sacred solitude.

As this day draws to a close, I pray you have been blessed with a day that brings you joy, peace and happiness.

Love, Trills.xx

Another days play.

I do looove it when I wake early and can embrace the awakening day. I have to wake naturally for this feeling. An alarm would not work. A forced waking makes for a very sluggish start to the day, rather like a hangover. Yes, I've been there.

But not today. I took my cuppa out to the swing seat where the garden had a lovely light that sharpened the colours, but the iPad camera always wants to brighten things. The cicadas were funny. Just waking up they seemed drunk, flying into things and not seeming to be able to get their bearings.

Of course, as the day grew warmer they had found their bearings and their voices, filling the air with their raucous sound. This is the extent of my little cottage garden which is such a joy. It's just as well it's not any bigger as we need rain badly to fill our tanks, so I am still saving my washing water for the garden.

And today was one of those days. Yesterday I gathered a heap of my thrifted doilies etc and set them to soak in nappy wash over night. So here we have the first load, having gone through a rinse cycle and spin with the water collected and another general load on its way. That should give me a good amount for tonight's watering.

Finally, all done. You see that green check table cloth. I remember it from when I was very young. It would have been the late 40s early 50s. YES!! I KNOW!! I am getting older! But most important, this cloth has lasted well. Irish linen, I think, and just think of the stories it could tell of the family at table over all those years. I still use it. There are serviettes too, but I have plans for them.

Another lot of doilies put to soak, making good use of the same solution. That will be Mondays job as tomorrow I am off to visit Kerry on his trek, because!! It is his 70th birthday!! YES!! I KNOW!!

I've made a cake. Nothing flash. I'm afraid I'm not a flash baker, but a very lazy one, finding these packets sooo easy to use. We are having a big DOOO!! In a couple of weeks and dear Janet has offered to make a cake for that, bless her.

Meanwhile I have found a place for the green glass set, all nice and clean and shiny.

And the strawberry collection is safely packed in one of my many baskets until the shelves are up.

The pots are nice and shiny and ready to go in the bus.

And I've had a wee rearrange of the top shelf of these shelves, and put the excess in a cupboard.

AND!! I have a luvly juvly pile of doilies and linens to iron. I will enjoy this ironing as I contemplate the stories behind each one. Then store them in my doily cupboard. I'll show you another day.

It's Baily's time again! Luvly juvly!

Wow! It's been a marathon of posting today. I do enjoy it. It's more like keeping a journal, but one I am happy to share with whoever drops by.

Greetings to you all and blessings galore. Love, Trills.xx

P.S.

Well I didn't get finished. I was interrupted so thought to save what I had done, but when I came back now and tried to carry on, it wouldn't oblige. So carrying on where I left off.

Over the recent months I had gathered some thrifter treasures that needed a good soak in bleach to clean them. So I set to with a large basin outside and group by group they were soaked and taken out looking much better. Then they were lined up by the sink for a wash. Here they are.

I'll just turn these little beauties around. See the sweet strawberry pattern. This set of spice jars, sugar and cream jug, and canisters, was snapped up quickly by yours truly when I saw them and saw that everything in this thrift store was half price. I KNOW!! 

And look! Do you see that little pot with strawberries on. I KNOW!! The same! I have had this, oh! It must be over 20yrs, as I remember bringing out here when we moved 1994. YEP!!

Strawberries are BIG! with me, so you can imagine how thrilled I was with this find.

And look! I KNOW!! From my little expedition in Mt Eden the other day. ITS A MATCH!! How super luvly juvly! I just have to find somewhere to put them.

But! Plans are afoot to put a shelf unit up here.

And I'm sure with a bit of juggling we can fit another one here.

I have them already, with paint, ready and waiting for my attention. Thrifty finds again. I did get as far as sanding this front one, but was interrupted by the concrete men, but that's another story.

Anyway back to the sink bench. You may have seen some green glass, and yes I need to find a place for that beautiful carafe and 4 little glasses. Then there is these wonderful pots thrifter for the bus. They have come up a lot cleaner from the soak. OH HAPPY DAY!!

Night-time arrived with another balmy evening, so after a simple tea and Graham Norton, I delighted in a late night Bailys on the veranda.

No moon this might, and not many stars, but I enjoy our sola lights.

And the swing seat. The sheet hanging behind it to Sade the sun, now that it's getting lower again, but still very hot.

Well, I hope that wherever you are, all is well and that there is joy aplenty in your days. Blessings and love, Trills.xxx

While the cat's away.

No, not these cats.

This cheeky one. He's off again on a trek with his tractor buddies. There's a "crank up day" on near Rotorua, so off they go, with my heartfelt blessings.

As usual, he tows behind the tractor his accommodation. 

With essential supplies like a chair, bed and a sack of onions.

He's all set.

Other essentials all secure.

So off we go!

Out the gate and up the road. Yes, it's early. They've got a long way to go. Matamata the first night, then on to the event Sat, that's today.

And while he's away?

I enjoyed having a tidying up starting with the table. It is such a busy spot in our house and gathers a lot of papers etc. plus the cloth gets very marked from the newspaper, so I change the top cloth more often.