Mental Health, My Journe

Here we are, day 4 of Kerry's trek and my time of solitude,and retreat,and today, reflection.

I have done several post on my blog and was thinking along those lines, journalling in my mind.

Thinking of where I've been lately in my mind and my mental health. It hasn't been the best recently,but the more recent times of rest and solitude have been a salve and a sweet ointment that has brought me back. It may have been the influenza I caught on the cruise that sparked it.

Whatever!

Here I am and thinking about my blog, I was considering a post about about it.

My thoughts went as such,

This is me! topsy turvy me! Yes my life is, as I know it is for most of us, full of ups and downs, but the ups and downs I'd like to address today are special to me and others who live with mental illness.

I don't like saying illness and I always try to avoid the word suffer. They are not positive terms, so I prefer to say " I live with a depressive mood dissorder" similar to bipolar but without the extreme manic highs, though I have enjoyed some pretty high rides.

I have lived with this for over 30yrs, since a major breakdown in my late 30s.

Today, I sit here in a blissful setting, the swing seat on the veranda of our little cottage, looking out on our large garden of trees and flowers. We are on the edge of a small country town we call the village, and I am happy, here and now.I feel happy and blessed again after weeks of turbulent feelings, mainly downers. I had been so well for so long, so what happened. Well It could have been the influenza I caught on the cruise - always an obstacle, and prone to upsetting the fragile chemical balance. Yes, I had shots but this one got through. Then every stress that followed seemed to compound and confound the symptoms till I was not fully functioning most of the time. I could rally for short periods and there were little uppers and short revivals, but they were only momentary. It would seem I was out of the darkness and free again, only to sink down again. But now at last I feel healed once more.

In remission, so to speak.

There was a break out at Orua bay in the bus, a break up at our Daughters, cat sitting, and now these days of solitude at home. Solitude soothes me, I can think clearly.

My faithe also sustains me and in solitude I can connect more deeply with my Heavenly Father. I always know He is there, but when I'm groping in the dark it's hard to touch base sometimes.

So this journey has been long and eventful over the years.

Thankfully I have never needed hospital care though I may at times have almost pleaded for it."take me away somewhere safe - safe from the fears of myself"

There was a period of self harming that very few knew about, but those who did sed me through to a better place. "Thank You"!

I have been on medication most of these years in varying strengths - still am - but thats ok. I am thankful to God and science for these drugs that give me a quality of life as "normal" as most folks.

I have worked, and indeed, was able to keep working through most of the roughest times.

Thats what it's like!

One can be "normal" or "ok" for hours at a time on the outside and to the outside world, while ones insides are in turmoil. One of the things that make it so hard for those around us to understand, and for us to understand sometimes too.

I have had years of counselling, group therapy, one-on-one therapy. Each having a place in my journey - each one, some for weeks, some years, took me a step further - peeled another layer off the onion, so-to-speak. Shedding the residue of traumas as a child, and as an adult, bringing an understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. forgiving others, myself, and God. 

I can see more clearly now. Wisdom and Knowledge are now friends of mine and I rest on them daily - well mostly. Sometimes on a high they go out the window, and if I have sunk below my inner vision, well, they are just not visible.

There are many things in my life that are a great help in keeping me well. being part of a creative world , friends, my faith, caring about and for myself as well as others,and blogland. I have many blogs where there is some of what I have experienced and I hope that tis post may help someone somewhere on their journey. 

Yes, I live with a chronic mental health condition, but I DO LIVE! I have a full and enjoyable life. I love and am loved. I laugh and I cry. I travel and enjoy other places and peoples, I have family and friends. I craft, dabbling in many things with successes and ever to remain works in progress. I love my life, all of it. Its makes me what and who I am, and I AM OK! and so are you.

many blessings to you all. love Trills.xx

ps. if anyone wants to contact me on email its. trillianlocke@gmail.com 

I'll be back on to the doilies tomorrow, I promise, the pics are all lined up.xx